Cycle

I’d decided to shut down my blog as it’s not serving a purpose for me. I don’t seem to write anything pertinent or helpful to others, so these words aren’t fulfilling their function. It’s entirely selfish; all about me. Yet look- I am here.

I started a new job last December, and with that came the demand to attain a new certification for the position. So, my break from school and studying didn’t last very long. Out of a guilty level of dedication, I stopped writing, and it’s really hitting me now. Withdrawal sucks. I read my last entry and it’s much the same, so I’m not going to elaborate. Know that I am just not feeling good at this point by denying myself that release.

How do you find a balance between the responsibilities you can’t neglect, and the voice inside you you also can’t neglect?

I just finished watching Who Does She Think She Is? on WTTW and it was so reassuring, even if they didn’t portray similarly struggling writers (some amazing painters and sculptors, an inspiring drummer, and a beautiful singer/actress). All the women were mothers who cited the very thin line between being considered a good mother/woman and being true to your artistic need to create something else. Sadly, and interestingly, all the women were divorced as the men in their lives could not handle them doing something for themselves in a personal, creative capacity. My writing was such a source of contention with my ex, and the last man I dated also immediately began to dictate that my computer would soon be going as it won’t be necessary for me to have (as my duty in life would be to wait and serve him and tend to his son). And so I am still single.

Maybe much more interesting is the fact that the women on the show- as well as myself- are mothers of sons. Is this how we change the view of what women’s true roles are? That we are not made to wait on and serve the men in our lives? That wasn’t expressed during the show, but still.

(Big happy breath).

I got some words out. I don’t care that it’s not much of anything. I feel a tiny bit less pressurized. This week, I have to start writing again. I haven’t worked a full 40 hour work week in a long time. My last real job was 36 hours, in four days, which was so perfect. The last job before this new one was 18, which allowed for school and writing, but made the whole concept of having money really troublesome. Needing public aid brought me to my lowest feelings of self-worth and capability.

How do you balance? This new job provides the financial security I really need for the boys and me, but it’s eliminated my ability to pursue my degree, the nine hour days and the three hour daily commute really cuts into my time at home and with my boys, so that when free time arises, guilt takes over and I force myself to stay away from my computer and the one thing that keeps me grounded.

This show was poetic- it showed the beauty and the tragedy of women trying to balance all these varying inner voices and needs as well as social and familial responsibilities. Something always suffers, in addition to them. How do you balance?

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